The first lesson that Queer folxs learn is “self-hate.” Hatred of who and what we are becomes the center of our existence and feels very natural. This hatred causes so much damage simply because we cannot imagine our lives existing without it and with this lens we are unable to do anything because of it
In the midst of all this self-hate we never learn how to love correctly. We never learn about the nuance of love, it’s ferocious and capricious nature. The way it shows up in unexpected places and changes everything. We measure how we love by how much we loose.
And so, the feeling of being loved is always fleeting, always just out of our reach. These who love us can never love us enough because that love is always gossamer, always so rare that we can never deserve it simply because we cannot imagine ever being worthy of the real thing.
Here lies the danger of not understanding how we can love each other as Queer people. Our love is unique, powerful, forged in battle, ever expanding because it can. If we try to mimic the way that non-Queer folks love, if we try to reproduce that style of love it will always fail, and at its base it is an exercise in self-hate.
We have never imagined our own love as plausible or laudable. We have attempted to reproduce the love we are told is normal or necessary to our survival.
What makes us think that mirroring the behavior of straight people is the key to our success? We condemn any attempt by the straight community to lump us into one large category without nuance, and yet straight marriage or “long term relationships” seem a comfortable stereotype for us to mimic. The majority of straight people could tell you what the “natural” or “typical” relationship looks like for them, but just because they have a clear picture doesn’t mean we have to follow it.
To break this cycle, we have to acknowledge that our ability to hate ourselves and our Queer siblings is killing us. Throwing shade, quick sharp criticisms of everything from clothes to jobs is a self-defense that is not working.
Can we imagine that Queer folks might potentially hold the key to a bright new future full of possibilities for both individuals and relationships? So many of us have experienced the freedom associated with finding our logical family, of finding support and affirmation from people who see us clearly, and yet when it comes to how we love, we lack imagination.
Let’s imagine this radical love together. Let’s practice this radical love and free ourselves and each other from one more moment of hate.
In the midst of all this self-hate we never learn how to love correctly. We never learn about the nuance of love, it’s ferocious and capricious nature. The way it shows up in unexpected places and changes everything. We measure how we love by how much we loose.
And so, the feeling of being loved is always fleeting, always just out of our reach. These who love us can never love us enough because that love is always gossamer, always so rare that we can never deserve it simply because we cannot imagine ever being worthy of the real thing.
Here lies the danger of not understanding how we can love each other as Queer people. Our love is unique, powerful, forged in battle, ever expanding because it can. If we try to mimic the way that non-Queer folks love, if we try to reproduce that style of love it will always fail, and at its base it is an exercise in self-hate.
We have never imagined our own love as plausible or laudable. We have attempted to reproduce the love we are told is normal or necessary to our survival.
What makes us think that mirroring the behavior of straight people is the key to our success? We condemn any attempt by the straight community to lump us into one large category without nuance, and yet straight marriage or “long term relationships” seem a comfortable stereotype for us to mimic. The majority of straight people could tell you what the “natural” or “typical” relationship looks like for them, but just because they have a clear picture doesn’t mean we have to follow it.
To break this cycle, we have to acknowledge that our ability to hate ourselves and our Queer siblings is killing us. Throwing shade, quick sharp criticisms of everything from clothes to jobs is a self-defense that is not working.
Can we imagine that Queer folks might potentially hold the key to a bright new future full of possibilities for both individuals and relationships? So many of us have experienced the freedom associated with finding our logical family, of finding support and affirmation from people who see us clearly, and yet when it comes to how we love, we lack imagination.
Let’s imagine this radical love together. Let’s practice this radical love and free ourselves and each other from one more moment of hate.
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